luosecnad (luosecnad) wrote in poetryworkshop9,

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My 3 most recent poems

I've already posted two of these on but since the poetry thread began a long time ago people don't usually comment:

As I walk down the street the soul calls out “Who is Baha
‘u’llah? My lips can’t pronounce
The name my soul crowns in gold.”
Before I hear another syllable,
My heart’s been sold
Not sold out but head over heels
Obedience without reason
But only to the unseeing eye
The unfaithful send out their spy
Maybe they forgot to close one eye
To the world and all that is therein
Open the other within
To the hallow beauty of the Beloved
Obedience without reason
“No,” cries the lover.
“My yearning heart knows no treason.
I have all my faculties
Not a marble on the ground
For once, I see the realities!”
The warm breeze brings me down to my knees
When yesterday I was left in the cold
Nothing so fresh brings such a revival
as my Faith 160 years old
Certitude, interlude…
Faith from the Kitab-i-Ahd
My role?
Still 6 billion need to know He’s the Glory of God

Call it a phase.
This shall I not accept
Elation, ecstasy, rapture.
I want out of the phase phase.
I want this to be me.
I need this to me my state.
My fate as it is with the sincere
Who serve and pass and rise
Because their home was never here
Past a mere stage stage.
I refuse to await the rage.
I refuse to accept inevitable
I turn the pages that voice my desires.
Eloquence: tells what I yearn (without the ego)
Shouldn’t we go
Back to the source
By that crimson fuel to this eternal fire
Let not a tear dampen the desire
O for the plight of the moth!
A myriad lives he would forsake.
O for the angels!
Oh for the fire to warm the snow!
Somewhere I cry
That’s me! That’s me!
Oh to hasten to the abode
My only home
This empty earth grabs not my heart
It has no grip to take the spiritual
Take thy hold of one content with material.

How sweet thy chalice of martyrdom to the distraught lover!
And how welcome are the tears that water the rose of love!
“His breast is void of patience”
Separation has consumed the heart
Oh for reunion with my fifteen loved
After a separation so bitter and sour that the eyes weep endless tears
“In spirit we are united”
Then cast off this arbitrary, futile cage
A distance of a thousand miles would be overlooked with a single blink
Distance causes my heart to cling tighter
Nay the bond cannot be broken unless I myself were broken
Distance is as fuel to the flame
Oh that my blazing soul could consume this prison
But the two dwell on different realms
Why, when, the separation
“Ye are the waves of that sea”
Make us the drops of that ocean
Our identities wholly forgotten
We the descendants call the Dawnbreakers
Join us with thy intimate circle
That we may forget ourselves
Were it not for the longing, the yearning, the separation, the tears…the yearning
Would our tongue be sensitized to the sweetness?
Would the soothing honey be wafted through a sour nostrel?
No, the sweetness would remain undetected
But for the obscuring tears, would not the brightness of our reunion illumine with such brightness to cause all to turn away
“Oh Angels of Fire and Snow”
Then bring Thy tests that we may cleansed
Bring Thy heart-hallowing separation that we may be filled a common beat

Other than the first these are a bit unpolished and I have a few others that are just fragments. Please feel free to comment.

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I've never reallliked the "Certitude, interlude…
Faith from the Kitab-i-Ahd" part of the first one b/c it seems forced and doesnt fit with the flow or theme (its kinda rap-style which isn't really what I'm going for)
hey, thanks for posting. i had pretty much given up on this community. the purpose of this community is for us to be able to critique each others' work. that means giving and receiving criticism in a positive constructive manner. with that in mind, here are a few of my thoughts:

your poems read to me like they're spoken word. do you do spoken word?

you have some great spiritual themes in these poems. i can see that you truly love this Faith, and that's a wonderful thing.

it's a lot of work to comment on three poems, so i'm just going to comment on the first...

this poem makes me think of times when i have taught to people who have been confrontational and unaccepting of the Faith, accusing me of being wrong or in error. there's this experience of feeling this deep love for the Faith, and being upset that a person should be hostile towards it, and there's a dynamic between the inner world (ie the lover, and associated feelings) and the outward conversation, which is usually one person explaining to me why the Baha'i Faith is wrong.

i like the ending of this poem. it leaves the reader (at least if the reader is Baha'i) with that feeling of our great responsibility. it also conveys that without saying it directly (ie without saying my role / to teach humanity that Baha'u'llah is the Glory of God). As I see it, one thing that makes a good poem is when it can convey something, without having to explain it in common terms. If you explain something directly, it sounds more like an essay.

you have the line "obedience without reason" twice. is this to convey that others are accusing you of obedience without reason? later you have the line "I have all my faculties", as if refuting such an argument. am i getting that right?

whatever it is you're going for with the "obedience without reason" lines, you might want to revise it in such a way that it's clearer what you're getting at. i think it could be confusing to the reader, and may be confused about it myself.

To the hallow beauty of the Beloved hallow-->hallowed

My heart’s been sold
Not sold out but head over heels

i would leave out "Not sold out", i feel like it detracts from the message. maybe you're putting it in there to distinguish between "selling out" and surrendering to God, but i don't think it flows too well. also, saying "sold out" is a little cliche.

overall, i like that this poem conveys a lot of feeling. it also demostrates that you have a good knowledge of some important themes from Baha'i Writings.

i hope these comments are helpful. keep up the writing.
thanks a lot, I haven't really been writing for long so having someone critique my poetry is great. I'll difinately consider all your suggestions. Since I'm so inexperienced I never really considered how much is involved in writing.